I started off thinking that if I just pretended that she had already chosen a family then… if I got the call that she wants us to be that family I’d be very pleasantly surprised. As the week as progressed, yeah it’s only day four – I guess I’m just a big baby, my phone has taken over my life. When it rings my heart drops into my stomach. Will the next ring be the call that tells us she’s chosen a different family? Will we even get a call if she doesn’t chose us!?! I’m tempted to turn my phone off. I think a voice-mail would be easier…. maybe. I shouldn’t be so down about it, no news is good news, right? You would think so at least. However, every call that isn’t THAT call, every text/message or call that is someone asking if we’ve heard anything yet is just another knife being plunged into my heart.
I’m not complaining. I understand it may seem like that. I’m just trying to sort through these feelings. It’s worse than a roller-coaster. We are very, very lucky and extremely blessed to even be having a birth mother considering us at this point in the journey. VERY BLESSED. I know that and I understand it, but this “not knowing” isn’t easy. Believe me, I never thought this process was going to be easy, but the way things – and by things I mean literally everything – has been falling into place up until now almost had me thinking that God was telling us that our baby is almost ready for us.
The wait has started to consume me. I must stop this! I’ve had 13 years of waiting, but I have to remember that God wouldn’t make me wait longer unless there was a lesson to learn in it. There’s a reason why we’re waiting. I’m not sure what that reason is, but I know that I just need to have faith. Now, if I can only make my emotions see that! Is it normal to be feeling like this? I sure hope so! Prayers please.