I’ve been lost; depleted; defeated; tired. I cannot pinpoint exactly when it started, it was slow at first and then snowballed into an avalanche. I felt burned out, depressed, fatigued more than usual, like nothing I could do mattered. I’ve dealt with depression almost my entire life, so I’m no stranger to the hold it takes. However, this time I sunk down deep and rolled up in it, I didn’t just let it envelop me, I let it fill me. I stopped reaching out to friends and just dug down in this rut. Don’t get me wrong, it was littered with happy moments and awesome things happening, but my core has stayed dark and untouched for a long time now.

This was going on a year pre-covid. When the pandemic started my depression and anxiety began a fierce battle. Many times anxiety won out, but depression was right there on its coattails. I’ve lost touch with all of my friends. I just stepped back and kept stepping. I stopped responding or made open-ended responses that I never follow through on. You know the ones, the “We need to hang out!” and then you never do. I’d say them with so much longing, so much intent, but then never leave the house. I’d make a thousand excuses until I came to the point where even the desire to connect felt too far off, too exhausting.

I locked myself down in mom mode and when parenting got hard – because we all know how stinking hard being a parent can be at times – I would feel like a complete failure at life. 2020 was extra hard ya’ll! In the midst of everything we sold our house and began to build our future. We jumped from the pan to the fire and then BAM a pandemic! More on that later, I assure you.

I’ve struggled with keeping God first. It’s so much easier to lay and feel smothered by the weight of the world. But GOD and my mom. See, my mom fights her battles for us on her knees in reverent prayer and I can never express how fully thankful I am for her.

This year, God has given me a word to live by.

INTENT.

Something that is intended; purpose; design; intention:
The original intent of the committee was to raise funds.

The act or fact of intending, as to do something:
criminal intent. Law. 

The state of a person’s mind that directs his or her actions toward a specific object. meaning or significance.

I will be intentional in my walk with God.
I will be intentional as a wife; as a mother.
I will be intentional in my values and dreams.
I will be intentional in my photography business.
I will be intentional in my priorities and my goals.
I will be intentional in my joy and spreading joy to others.
I will be intentional in my relationships outside of my family unit.

Would you like to join me on this journey? How does being intentional look for you? Let’s be intentional together this year! I’m so tired of letting Satan drag me down with my insecurities, aren’t you?

PHILIPPIANS 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

When he told you you’re not good enough
When he told you you’re not right
When he told you you’re not strong enough
To put up a good fight
When he told you you’re not worthy
When he told you you’re not loved
When he told you you’re not beautiful
You’ll never be enough

Fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear, he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear, he is a liar

When he told you were troubled
You’ll forever be alone
When he told you you should run away
You’ll never find a home
When he told you you were dirty
And you should be ashamed
When he told you you could be the one
That grace could never change

Oh, fear, he is a liar
He will take your breath
Stop you in your steps
Fear, he is a liar
He will rob your rest
Steal your happiness
Cast your fear in the fire
‘Cause fear, he is a liar