I got the call yesterday that we were not chosen. I was in the middle of re-organizing the pantry, listening to iTunes radio on my phone when it rang. If you ever do this then I’m sure you know, but if you don’t – it basically pauses the song you were listening to. I had been so involved with what I was doing that I hadn’t really been paying much attention to the music. After I hung up the phone I sat down hard in the nearest chair and felt a wave of defeat. Suddenly there seemed to be a huge weight on my shoulders and I just felt devastated. I began to cry and it took a few seconds, but it was then that the words to the song playing (it had begun to play again when I hung up) really made it to my head.
“All these questions holding me, I can’t answer them, but I still sing,
Maybe the real beauty is love still grows and pain still stings, even now.
Angels of night, Hide in the half light, Praying for souls,
Lost and found like mine, If you hear me, Angels of mercy,
Carry me in tonight.
Sometimes love it hurts so much,
You never wanna touch the stuff again,
But baby itʼs the only way,
You’re never gonna outrun all the pain,
You’re gonna have to face it though,
Before you let it go,
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go…
Angels of night, Hide in the half light,
Praying for souls, Lost and found like
Angels of night, Hide in the half light, Praying for souls,
Lost and found like mine, If you hear me, Angels of mercy,
Carry me in tonight.”
I let the tears fall while I listened. I composed myself and walked outside. As soon as I got onto the back porch the sky opened up and rain came pouring down. I felt this amazing peace that God was telling me it was okay to grieve for a child that could have been ours. Not even 3 minutes later the rain stopped just as suddenly as it had started and I look up into a beautiful, non-cloudy sky (as the clouds had vanished almost as quickly as they had come) and I nodded. I felt almost as if God had shared in my tears and now I knew that He was softly pushing me to move on.
Chris got home and we went on a impromptu date. Neither of us wanted to be at the house, we needed some fresh air and we needed some time to just be us, together, on more neutral ground I suppose. We both felt it was best to get out and spend a little one on one time rather than stay in and possibly dwell or have a pity party. During our date we each expressed how we were feeling and I shared my “after-the-phone-call” happenings.
Today I made another trip to our lawyer’s office (with my mother-in-law) and we got information on the next birth/first mommie and first daddy that we will be presented to next week. We’ll be praying. This little one is due the day before my 31st birthday. However, God’s will, will be done and if this isn’t to be our baby it’s okay. We’ll just keep pressing on and moving forward. We knew going into this that it wasn’t going to be easy, but God is right here with us and He is bestowing a wonderful peace during the times that we need it the most.
